I thumbed through the phone book looking for a hair salon for what seemed like forever that morning, Google would have worked much quicker however I wasn’t allowed access to my computer. I finally found one within walking distance of where I was staying. After three days of being pressured to have “it” done, I finally surrendered my heart and my innocent baby. That morning I was allowed out of the apartment and I managed to find the hair salon although I was in an unfamiliar city. I walked in with beautiful long brown hair.
I told the gentleman that greeted me at the door of the tiny one chaired hair salon that I needed to change my “look”. The person I knew would never give up the life growing inside of them, so I might as well not recognize the person who would. I walked out with the shortest haircut I have ever had, I barely recognized myself.
The day was November 17th, 2007…..
The three days before the procedure were a bit of a blur. I remember being completely deceived by my boyfriend at the time and set-up with the true purpose of my visit to Denver. This person that I deeply cared about and had known for years I could barely recognize, as he was not acting or sounding the way I knew him to be.
I remember being very nauseous and at the same time very hungry. I didn’t know my way around Denver nor did I have a car so I was kept in a small apartment without much access to anything until I agreed to have the abortion done. I stood my ground for three days, yet as each appointment was canceled and rescheduled on my behalf the pressure was getting to me. I started considering the things he was saying as truth and the night before I finally caved in and agreed to go through with my third rescheduled appointment.
I remember getting in the shower and sobbing uncontrollably until the water was so cold that I could barely feel my skin. I remember begging God to take my child from my womb so that I wouldn’t have to do the dirty work of taking it from my womb myself.
I did not have a relationship with God then as I do now, but thinking back at that moment in the shower, God has shown me how his presence was full that evening, holding and comforting me. God understood me at that moment, he understood the earthly and spiritual battle that was waging war against my life and the life of my unborn child. He understood my pain, my confusion, my doubts, and he completely understood why I would walk through with the decision I had made, the decision I felt at that moment I had to make.
For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Hebrews 4:15
The details of that morning are branded deeply into my memory. I can remember every moment, almost minute by minute. This was not an abortion clinic but a normal OB-GYN office which caught me by surprise. At one corner of the waiting room were expectant mothers eagerly waiting to see their little one on screen, while I waited for something very different.
I remember a new hope stirring inside me, maybe the nurse or the doctor will take my side! Maybe they will convince me to not have this horrible procedure done! Maybe I can lie and tell my boyfriend that I had “it” taken care of! All these thoughts ran through my head as I waited for my name to be called. Unfortunately, my sobbing to the nurse and therapy session with the doctor (abortionist) did little to move them. They showed little emotion and zero compassion. The abortionist told me that this was the best thing to do and that one day I would be able to have a real family when all my i’s were dotted and my t’s crossed (his words exactly).
Some things are better left unwritten, and the details of my abortion procedure is one of them. I was haunted and tormented for a very long time by the memory of my abortion. The cruelty of a child and violation of women that happens everyday behind closed doors is incredibly saddening and it is incredibly wounding.
After getting myself back together which looking back now was only by the grace of God I proceeded to go on with my life as do thousands of women everyday, however my story doesn’t end there.
I am so grateful that I don’t only have a sad sob story to share about a personal tragedy, but I have a story of Hope. A story of God’s presence, God’s faithfulness, and God’s healing.
My process of healing was by no means quick and in some regards I am still healing almost nine years later, but throughout this process God has revealed to me something which is at the very center of this testimony and if you receive nothing else from this story, please receive this.
Although I DID NOT have a personal relationship with God, He pursued me with his amazing love and amazing grace and on that morning that I would choose to kill my child growing inside me he never once turned his face, he never once closed his eyes and he NEVER left my side.
Years later he would show me that he in fact held my hand and stroked by head while I was in that little room and my child was entering his presence. Oh, how that thought ministers to my soul to this day.
Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] Hebrews 13:5 (amplified version)
Being healed of my abortion has intensified a fire within me to share a story of hope with others that have walked in my shoes.
Women that have literally laid down their bodies on cold tables when every fiber inside them was screaming the contrary. Abortion is not a one person decision, the decision of thousands of women each day to lay down their bodies is a decision many times made by many on their behalf. I once heard that the majority of women having an abortion were pressured and sometimes literally dragged into the abortion clinic and I completely agree.
My prayer is to see an end to abortion, but my purpose on earth is to tell women that you can be healed of the nasty wound that abortion leaves.
There is a incredible God that was right there with you and understands you and loves you more than you can even wrap your head around.
There is a God that can release you from all guilt, sadness, and torment.
There is a God that eagerly awaits for you to unwrap your wound so that he can stitch it up once and for all.
There is God that came to earth as man and was wounded and died on the cross for YOUR very abortion.
There is a devil that can no longer accuse you because of the blood Jesus shed.
There is a God that forgives and redeems and a God that can use YOUR story to bring hope to others!!
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. Acts 20:24